Last night – to be more exact, at about five am – I woke to the ominous feeling that something Was Not Right. After half an hour of trying to convince myself it was, actually, right (well, it was cold, and five am, and the cat was sitting on my head) I got up and spent the next hour on the toilet. Too much information?
Yes. Well. As I sat swaddled on my couch (a few hours later) with a hot water bottle on my belly, it crossed my mind that being all by myself, on a rural property, with no friends within yiking distance, is not the best idea if one is really, really sick.
Not that I am really sick – I just ate something I shouldn’t have. I rarely get sick, and especially now, when I hardly ever meet anyone without my surgical gloves on (ie, anyone but clients). But if I were sick, I’d have to choose between throwing myself on the mercy of my (admittedly nice) neighbour, calling a $900 ambulance, or ringing The Man – who is three hours drive away. Hmm. Better stay well then.
Luckily, The Man’s chopped up lots of firewood, so hypothermia isn’t much of a risk. While he was getting it, he also picked up a big tick in an interesting location. So we’ve been reading up about how to avoid/get rid of ticks. Apparently they don’t like scabies cream (I still have no idea what scabies is, even though I was always wishing it on my enemies, in times past). Apparently it’s a sort of tick’s valium – they fall asleep and eventually drop off you with an expression of drowsy bliss. Meanwhile you have to watch this little crablike thing snoring away in your pubes or whatever – or rip it out untimely and risk it spewing a ton of tick venom into your system in a final act of revenge on its reluctant host.
Or you can kit yourself out in a spacesuit, set up a decontamination chamber in your hallway (like the ones they have in nuclear reactor accidents), and spray your entire property in pyrethrum. Your choice.
And the recipe for the Lazy Cook? Anything Fritters (Buyer Beware – this is what I ate before I was sick!).
Take any flour, any liquid (milk, water, whatever), and anything that you think might be nice in fritters (banana, apple, canned corn, grated potato/carrot/sweet potato/turnip, herbs, spices, nail filings) and mix it up till it feels roughly like porridge. It’s got to be thick enough to form a blob rather than a puddle when you chuck it in the frying pan, and have enough flour and liquid to stick the other bits together.
Fry it in butter/oil until it is golden brown on both sides and not too disgustingly gooey in the middle. If it is gooey, that probably means you’ve made it too thick – idiot! Can’t you even follow a simple recipe!
For the sauce, open a jar of mayonnaise/honey/cream/maple syrup/jus de worm (sorry). I’m now off to have some (my choice for the day? banana. And no, there is no discernible difference between fritters and pancakes. Is there supposed to be?).