Reason No 2: Small insects will take up residence in your body cavities.

She came for the tree-change – and woke to find a vampire behind her left ear.

More specifically, in the tiny crease above the ear hole, buried right up to its little neck.  Ever seen the movie Tick?


It was just like that –  but slightly smaller and without the eerie music!  Luckily Clyde’s daughter Pie was on hand (Clyde, the other half of Bonnie. The Bearded Badass partner).

‘Help!! I need someone to pull this thing out of me!’

‘Get Pie to do it!’ everyone says, ‘She’s a Nurse! She’ll know how.’

I think poor Pie always gets that.I bet she wishes she never graduated. It’s like saying you’re a chiropractor at a party. ‘Oh, that’s interesting..I’ve got this pain in my neck I’ve had for years..’

‘When I get Alzheimers’ says Clyde, ‘you’ll put me out of my misery, won’t you baby? Seeing as you’re a Nurse’.  ‘I don’t think so, Dad’ she says tactfully.  She’s only 21 – a bit young to administer lethal doses probably, but pretty good at extracting ticks with tweezers.  Everybody crowds round to watch. I wish I’d charged admission – now I’m a jobless rural hick, I need the cash. Anyway.

This is a land of mystery and magic.  I met a Druidess in town the other day.  She had a long white robe, flowing hair, bare feet, and a Staff, I kid you not – and she was in the queue at Woolworths. I didn’t take a photo – I was afraid!  But Muriel’s new letterbox made up for it.


Hello, it seems to say, looking askance, but cheerful!  Who the hell are you?  I think it sniggers behind the postman’s back. Not so her table, which lasted exactly one day before…

Muriel’s carpentry is, shall we say, developing.  We could write a book, entitled DON’T Do It Yourself.  (Better than you could do, Mum, she says!)


As is my outdoor bread making.  Yesterday we made a fire in this thing, stuck dough in the coals and voila!  A charred piece of floury concrete and a bad case of smoky eyes.  How are you supposed to use this elegant piece of stonework?  Has anyone seen one before?  And why does all the smoke come out the front and none out the damn chimney?  Have I inadvertently cooked up smoked magpie nest? Hope not.






Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s